The one were I talk about death.

I don't know what made me want to write about this, maybe it was recently talking about my Grandad or maybe it's the fact that I'm nearly 18 which means it's nearly been 2 years since he left me. Death is a horrible thing, it's even worse if you never get the chance to say goodbye.

My Grandad was my world, he took me on so many adventures, holidays and spontaneous trips away. He taught me to ride a bike, even though I would give up and fall off, even then he would give me a hug and make me try again. He would ring every toy shop in the county to make sure I woke up with the doll I wanted for Christmas, even if it meant having to drive to the nearest city. He would pick me up from school and help me with my geography homework. My Grandad was and is the reason why I smile very day. Because, some people don't have a chance to have a Grandad as cool as mine was, one who would build swings for me and make my wellies which light up, literally.

We used to argue, Gran used to shout at us and he used to complain I spent too much money and time on my phone.

On the 16th November 2013, my world seemed to stop and I was totally oblivious to it all. Loosing someone who, in some way brought me up was the most heart breaking and aching thing I've came across. I was at my cousins when it happened, I was watching jack and Jill whilst my family were at Carlisle hospital. I never even knew and I went to sleep under the impression that I would see him in the morning.

People seem to always think about the last things, the last thing they done together, said to one another, last memories and last meals. I don't think that's true, why? Because the last thing I said to my Grandad was "Grandad, you look like a Jew in them PJ's!!" I never said I love you, see you soon or anything like that, but I think it summed out relationship up perfectly. I didn't have to say I love you because he knew how much me and Oscar doted on him.

Death changes you, it made me grow up, start to take more responsibility and not to take life so seriously. I had 2 and a half days off when my Grandad died, something which made people go into some sort of shock. People around me seen this girl who had just lost her Grandad and was going straight back into mock exams. I didn't want to use the excuse of "yeah but my Grandad has just died" because trust me, he would of killed me if I pulled that one.

Going back to school, going back to my old routine with a difference because now I had to get the bus back from school, shock, horror. Everything was the same but so different.

I'm not afraid to say that I cry, still at the fact that I don't have a Grandad. I still tear up when I see little girls holding their Grandads hand, I still feel a tiny bit of regret that I didn't stay with Gran that night, I still feel sad that he never seen me leave school, go to prom or get qualified as an Engineer. I'm not afraid because I'm human and sometimes I cry and eat Nutella and sometimes I cry and take a talk to Harrington and throw stones into the sea.

Death, it can either break you into dust or make you into something else. Death will always change you, you just have to decide if it's going to be a good thing or bad. Don't be scared or ashamed if you can't cope and you need help, don't be feeling judged because you still grieve 7 years later or you stop 2 days on. Death affects everyone in different ways, it's up to you.

So this post is dedicated to my Grandad, my Mam, My Uncle Stuart and Auntie Stef, my little Oscar Smell and to the most amazing person I know, my Gran. Thank you for being the most amazing people, for making each Sunday dinner hilarious, for getting me a car and for sticking together and making Grandad proud.

Mwah 

 X x x